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08/12/2003 Disallowed Word Precipitates Arrest
Philippe Riviere, an Air France pilot, was arrested at Kennedy International Airport in New York after he responded nonsubmissively to screening procedures.

Riviere was scheduled to co-pilot a flight from New York to Paris on August 8th. When security personnel asked him to remove his shoes, Riviere allegedly made an exasperated comment or joke about having a bomb in his shoe.

He was promptly arrested and, following standard procedure, charged with felony speech crimes. The charges of "falsely reporting a threat in the first and second degrees" could carry a total prison term of eleven years.

Lauren Stover, a spokeswoman for the Transportation Security Administration, had a few choice words regarding the pilot's "inappropriate comments." "We have zero tolerance for those kinds of comments," stated Stover.

Zero tolerance for inappropriate comments is a common-sense safety policy; when authorities are forced to contend with outright criticism, the safety of Homeland security funding simply cannot be maintained.
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08/11/2003 Victory Begins at Home
According to the New York Daily News, Attorney General John Ashcroft has planned a tour rallying support for a sequel to the USA PATRIOT Act.

The Vital Interdiction of Criminal Terrorist Organizations Act (Victory Act) will assert final victory over the lice-ridden proletariat, whose technical defense against unreasonable searches has long been the bane of arbitrary law enforcement.

Among other unquestionably patriotic terms, the Victory Act may include provisions to enable warrant-free seizure of business records and to expand surveillance of wireless communications.

Since its passage in late 2001, the USA PATRIOT Act has given government agents a chance to reevaluate measures discounted by thousands of years of social evolution. The Victory Act is planned as a sort of commemorative seal upon the ancient process -- a process which, if successful in this iteration, promises a millenium of glory under our righteous rulers' benevolent protectorship.
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08/08/2003 Justice Is Hungry
Attorney General John Ashcroft is working to identify and eliminate leniency from a court system plagued with what many see as a surfeit of logic.

Ashcroft has ordered U.S. attorneys to collect reports of any judges displaying a "downward departure" from the patriotic standards set by federal sentencing guidelines. These guidelines recommend prison terms and penalties according to the category of the offense.

In a court case, leniency may indicate a judge's excessive concern with the precise circumstances of crimes. The judge may see guidelines in a particular case as being unfittingly harsh; such is the danger of a judiciary populated by overly empathic humans.

Ashcroft's hope is to see a tighter adherence to the standards which define our new Homeland: a firm understanding of right and wrong (as recommended by guidelines from a central body); a willingness to impose justice equally regardless of the crime; and an impartiality whose prime credential is the extension of prison sentences above and beyond the call of reason.
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08/07/2003 Parody No Match For Scientology
An independent film has been banned since April, 2002, under a court injunction obtained by the Church of Scientology.

The film, entitled "The Profit," was found by Judge Robert E. Beach to be a possible parody of Scientology. Beach's injunction forbids showing the film to anyone, with the rationale that it might happen to influence jurors in an ongoing wrongful death lawsuit against the Church.

[Editor's Note: We have long admired the Church of Scientology's adept strategic restraint of critics; the request of an injunction to silence a parody is the sort of brilliance that inspires worship, and even, dare we say, expense of our lives' savings that we might learn of humanity's cataclysmic, alien-infested history.]
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08/06/2003 TSA Retreats Under Fire
The Transportation Security Administration has settled a case in which a man of Indian descent was detained, based on his appearance, by federal air marshals.

The terms of the settlement agreement include an official apology to Dr. Bob Rajcoomar, a payment of $50,000 in damages, and a modification of air patrol policies and training.

There is no firm indication yet as to whether the settlement will affect other portions of the Department of Homeland Security, whose functional basis relies on similar profiling tactics.

[Editor's Note: How shameful it is to witness wholesale disregard for the principles of our Homeland. Profiling, vilification, incrimination... punishment and penitence, bombing and conversion -- these are the very practices which promise to make the Homeland great; otherwise would our leaders so boldly prescribe their exercise?

Despite the pain which this court settlement may cause, we, the patriots, may still look with optimism to the movement beyond judicial influence. Guantanamo Bay shines as a light in the darkest storm, promising deliverance both from terror and from the balance of power that has so harshly restrained America's progress.]

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08/05/2003 Fine Line Between Criticism and Terrorism
A teenager was arrested and charged with a felony when his airplane luggage turned out to contain a note critical of baggage screeners.

17-year-old David Socha and his family, embarking on a trip to Hawaii, were caught at Boston's Logan International Airport when a screener found the incriminating document. Its text allegedly read, "[Expletive] you. Stay the [expletive] out of my bag you [expletive] sucker. Have you found a [expletive] bomb yet? No, just clothes. Am I right? Yea, so [expletive] you."

Security officials zeroed in on the word "bomb" and acted selflessly, suppressing any internal perception of the message's meaning in order to forcibly counter the volatile wording.

According to the linked article, Transportation Security Adminstration spokeswoman Ann E. Davis stated: "There was no commotion whatsoever, [b]ut when [we] see the word 'bomb,' we take it very seriously. In today's security environment, there's no room for that sort of joking."

The Transportation Security Administration has been praised for its nondiscriminatory enforcement, detaining innocent and guilty travelers alike. A consistency of purpose extends this inclusive attitude to all aspects of public relations. In today's security environment, there can be no distinction between "joking" and "castigation" when describing the transgressions of subversive elocutionists.
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08/01/2003 New Poster
Another new poster is available. You can find it here.
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07/31/2003 New Poster
A new poster is available. You can find it here.
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07/23/2003 Methamphetamine: Addictive Stimulant or Nuclear Weapon?
Watauga County, North Carolina, is prosecuting an alleged methamphetamine producer with charges of "manufacturing a nuclear or chemical weapon."

Anti-terrorism laws have found widespread success -- if not in the prosecution of terrorists, in the salvation of causes once limited by credulity. The Watauga case, if successful, will redefine some immoral habits as terrorist acts -- permitting increased penalties that may yet stem society's plunge into degenerate hedonism.

Spearheading the prosecution is District Attorney Jerry Wilson, a man who believes, without delusion, that drug use is equivalent to "nuclear or chemical weapon" use. His legal theories are based on a firm understanding of property rights; the human body is clearly leased, not owned, and as such, any irresponsible maintenance justly incurs debt to the prison system from which the body's temporary use has been contracted.
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07/19/2003 Lapel Disarmed Without Casualties
John Gilmore, co-founder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, was caught yesterday trying to wear a lapel button on an airplane.

One British Airways flight seemed doomed to disaster when an attendant noticed Gilmore's "Suspected Terrorist" button. By his own confession, Gilmore refused to remove the button -- even when the captain made clear that the object endangered the aircraft and its approximately 300 passengers.

Well-trained to intercept terrorist acts, the crew taxied its plane back to the gate. Gilmore was removed to San Francisco terra firma along with his traveling companion.

Incidents of this type may be alarming, but their rarity manifests a reassuring trend in civility; out of the approximately 300 suspected terrorists on the plane, only one had the discourtesy to announce himself.
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